‘Ray of the Rangers’ was a ‘Roy of the Rovers’ parody, published in Shoot! in the late 80s, featuring the footballing exploits of Ray Royce.
BBC4 started re-runs of the classic comedy series from Michael Palin and Terry Jones, Ripping Yarns, last night.
Episode two of the second series of Ripping Yarns is ‘Golden Gordon’, a loving parody of a non-league football fan and Yorkshire football in general, filmed around Barnoldswick and Keighley.
It is 1935. On a stereotypically cold, wet, windswept and bleak West Yorkshire hillside sits the Sewage Works ground, home to Barnstoneworth United. Once a mighty team in the Yorkshire Premier League, they have now fallen on hard times.
Barnstoneworth United haven’t won a match in six years. After losing 8-1 to Brighouse, depressed United superfan Gordon Ottershaw comes home and smashes the furniture in his house in fury (my Dad, half-jokingly, used to say that he came home and kicked the cat, Lofty [named after Nat Lofthouse] when Bolton lost). His wife Eileen (Gwen Taylor) quietly accepts this. She keeps trying to tell him that she’s having a baby, but he seems not to notice.
“Eight One – Eight bloody One! – And even that were an own goal!”
Ottershaw has been teaching his son (who’s first name is Barnstoneworth, middle name United) every detail of the club’s results, players and statistics (again, my Dad has an almost preternatural ability to recall the scores of every match he’s ever been to, dating back to the mid 1950s). Over dinner, having memorised the 1922 side perfectly, his father chimes in at the end, sighing as he speaks:
” Won none. Drawn none. One cancelled owing to bereavement. Lost 18.”
A die-hard supporter, Ottershaw laments the clubs latest troubles over his custard pudding:
”Centre forward’s off with boils, two half back’s are going to a wedding and the goal-keepers got a cold. Chairman’ll sort it out.”
The Chairman in question will definitely sort it out. He plans to sell the club to a scrap merchant and walk away from it all with some brass in his back pocket. His only opinion of Gordon Ottershaw is that:
”It’s a form of madness you know, wearing your scarf in bed.”
Barnstoneworth are in dire trouble. On the training ground you’re more likely to hear ” He’s got my shorts on” and ” Can I go at half past six?” than you are any sounds of encouragement or tactical nous. But Gordon has a brain wave. He will round-up all the best surviving ex-Barnstoneworth players for the coming Saturday’s cup tie against Denley Moor Academicals. That will save the club!
The idea comes to him when he’s visiting (nay pleading) with the scrap dealer not to buy Barnstoneworth United and sell his beloved club down the river. The subject of when Barnstoneworth last won a game comes up… Quick as a flash superfan Gordon has the answer:
“October 7th, 1931. 2-0 against Pudsey.“
“Haggerty F, Ferris, Noble, Codren, Crapper, Davis, Sullivan, O’Grady, Kembell, Hacker and Davitt*. Davitt scored twice, once in 21st minute, once in 28th minute…”
”Davitt, he were hell of a player.” says the scrap merchant. ” He were bald weren’t he? Head like stainless steel.”
“That’s right. He once scored with the back of his head from 28 yards against Barnsley reserves in 1922.”
Saturday comes, and the Cup tie against Denley Moor Academicals kicks off. United only have four players (and three pairs of shorts), whereas the captain of the Denley Moor team is the famous Eric Olthwaite. Things look bad, but Gordon arrives with the old team who take to the field. Davitt opens the scoring with his bald head, and, shock of shocks, Barnstoneworth eventually win 8 – 1.
“8 BLOODY 1!”
‘Golden Gordon’ ends with Gordon smashing up his own home in celebration this time. Clock, photos, radio go flying out through the window as the Match of the Day theme plays. And it still hasn’t registered with him that his wife has been trying to tell him she is pregnant throughout the entire episode.
*The mighty Half Man Half Biscuit named their third album McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt in tribute to this episode, and the front cover is a still from the programme.
See also A Visit to Gordon Ottershaw’s House, by Merrick Cork, which talks about the Yorkshire footballing inspirations behind the episode.
Julio Geordio, from the TV programme ‘Harry Enfield And Chums’
- Greatest XIs: Political Philosophy (footbalternative.com)
A life-sized bronze statue of comedy character Frank Sidebottom has been unveiled in his hometown of Timperley in Greater Manchester.
The money for the statue, around £60,000, was raised by fan donations.
Timperley councillor Neil Taylor, who helped raise money for the statue, said:
“Frank Sidebottom created a whole world, he was just magical. He just made a very modest living entertaining people and that’s what he’s enjoying doing.”
Frank Sidebottom was the creation and alter-ego of musician and comedian Chris Sievey, who died in 2010.
Sievey set his character’s life in Timperley and, as Frank, hosted tours of the area’s sites for fans.
He often referenced Timperley in his TV and music work, including ‘I Was Born in Timperley’, ‘Anarchy in Timperley’ and ‘Timperley Sunset’, as well as celebrating the music of Queen, The Fall, The Smiths and Kylie Minogue.
Frank was a fan of three football teams, including non-league Altrincham F.C., Timperley Big Shorts F.C. (the team he founded himself), and Manchester City.
He celebrated Altrincham F.C. in his song, ‘The Robins Aren’t Bobbins’ and appeared on MOTD (in his big shorts). This gave rise to his ever-popular call-and-response football fan anthem ‘Guess Who’s Been on Match of the Day’. Other football-themed songs include ‘Three Shirts on the Line’ (his re-write of Baddiel and Skinner’s ‘Three Lions on the Shirt’), ‘Mexico 90’, ‘Estudiantes (Striped Shirts/Black Panties)’ (referencing Club Estudiantes de La Plata, usually shortened to Estudiantes, an Argentine professional football club based in La Plata), and ‘Football is Really Fantastic’.
I was lucky enough to see Frank a couple of times in the late 80s/early 90s, notably at the Reading Festival in the Comedy Tent (where he was on in place of the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow who had been banned by Reading Council); and used to watch Frank’s Fantastic Shed Show on ITV as well as seeing him on Remote Control with Tony Wilson and Phil Cornwall on Ch4.
- Frank Sidebottom statue unveiled in Timperley (itv.com)
- He’ll gaze on the Timperley sunset forever… (chortle.co.uk)
- Frank Sidebottom statue unveiled (bbc.co.uk)
- Statue of Frank Sidebottom to be revealed on Sunday at 11.37am (manchestereveningnews.co.uk)
- Frank Sidebottom statue unveiled in comic’s home town (thejournal.co.uk)
- It’s definitely not bobbins: Frank Sidebottom statue unveiled in Timperley – With gallery (manchestereveningnews.co.uk)
- Upcoming event – Frank Sidebottom Statue Unveiling, Timperley Village, Trafford (whatsonwhere.wordpress.com)
- How Fantastic Can Football Get? (lintel.typepad.com)